A Very Painful Interview Indeed
by Emmi-Chick
Summary: James and Sirius 'accidentally' set Snape on fire, so they have been put in counseling! That poor counselor.. she has no idea what she's in for, how can you counsel a Marauder? You can't! All Dialog, Marauder era. WARNING: Themes of violence & farting..!
1. Crude Counseling

**I don't know where this idea came from, but I like it! Hopefully it's not too confusing to understand :)**

**Characters: **

_C Counselor_**  
**

**J James**

S Sirius

R Remus (Comes in later)

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_C Right then, do you both know why your here, Mr Potter and Mr Black?_

**J Yes... I lit- I mean _we_ lit Snivellus on fire...**

S It was an accident! But really, I thought he'd catch alight much quicker, what with all the grease and everything-

_C Please Mr Black, we don't need to get into details. So you both know that-_

**J That that slimy git Snape told Dumbledore on us so we have to come to these counseling sessions to 'help us find where we went wrong..'**

S WHAT? I WAS TOLD WE WERE GETTING ICE-CREAM! God.. besides, it was just a little match.. and some gasoline..

_C Yes, like I said, please, no need to go into details, the point is, Mr Snape is in St Mungo's, so we must figure out a suitable punishment for you two, as well as find the cause for your odd behaviour_

S What's your name?

_C I- that's not important!_

S I would feel much more comfortable if I knew who I was talking to!

_C Very well, I shall tell you my name if you will stop scratching your private area_

S I- Deal.

_C Thank-you! My name is Patricia_

S Can I call you Pat?

_C No, Counselor is fine_

S Patty?

_C NO! Now, Mr Potter, let's start with you. Do you have any- Mr Black, please, stop scratching!_

S Sorry Pat, I'm just bored!

_C You scratch your private area when your bor- never mind, now, Mr Potter, do you have any issues at home? What are your parents like?_

**J Well, my dad isn't home often, he's an auror so- OHH PADFOOT! WHAT DID YOU EAT? Ohh that stinks!**

S Sorry, I didn't think you'd notice..

**J Well I didn't notice until I thought someone had set off a dungbomb!**

S Sorry mate, it's that pumpkin juice, you know what it does to me!

**J So why drink it?**

S Pete dared me, said he'd give me 10 sickles... come to think of it, I still don't have those sickles...

_C Do you think we could please continue?_

**J Can you open the window please? Thanks.**

_C Right, so_ _Mr Potter-_

**J Please, call me James!**

_C Erm, James, so your father is never around?_

**J No, not never, just rarely, he's great fun to be around though!**

_C So, whats your mother like?_

S Ooh I wouldn't take that James

**J Don't worry Padfoot, I'm sure Patty meant my mother no disrespect. Mum's cool****, but Sirius is always leaving dog footprints on the floor, which angers her. **

_C Dog footprints? Why would he leave dog- wait, do you two live together?_

**J Dog footprints? I didn't say dog footprints. And yeah, Sirius' family suck so he lives with us as of two years ago!**

_C James, I'm sure his family isn't that b-_

S Uhh, yes they are, my family cut off the heads of our house elves and hang them on the wall and when I was seven, she stuck a portrait of herself in our hallway so I couldn't sneak out at night. Oh, and my cousin Bellatrix threw my teddy bear in the fire when I was 9...

_C Well Mr Black, it seams you have a lot on your mind..._

**J Yeah right, when pigs fly**

S Actually James, we tested that theory with Moony when we built that giant catapult and send Henry flying across the boys dormitory and into the girls... Merry Christmas indeed...

_C Henry?_

**J Peter's pig**

_C Peter has a pig?_

S _Had_ a pig.. poor Henry, we never saw him again...

_C Right... Well I've heard about your families, so why don't you tell me about your little group of friends? Professor McGonagall told me you boys are in a trouble making group that you like to call the Marauders? Is that correct?_

**J We are not trouble making! Trouble finds us!**

S IT'S TRUE! IT'S ALL TRUE! WE'RE OUT OF CONTROL I TELL YOU!

_C Mr Black, please sit down and stop pretending to cry on Mr Potter's shoulder.._

S Sure thing Patty!

_C Right.. well, tell me about the Marauders!_

**J If we tell you, I'm afraid we'll have to kill you**

S I remember when you said that to Peter in our first year.. he wet his pants that night!

_C Peter? Tell me about Peter, is he a Marauder?_

S He's more of a half Marauder, he never pays us after he loses a bet and he never joins in on dares, but yeah, otherwise he's cool.

_C So that's what the Marauder's are? Darers and bet makers?_

**J Lady, you have no idea.**

S Hehe... Lady... good one Prongs!

_C Prongs? What's Prongs?_

**J We all have nicknames for each other, I'm Prongs, Sirius here is Padfoot, Remus is Moony and Pete is Wormtail.**

S Pete didn't get to choose his name

**J He wanted Prongs, but rats don't have prongs, I've been explaining that to him for years**

_C What do rats have to do with anything?_

**J Nothing, nothing at all...**

R Excuse me, but Professor McGonagall told me to come here, are you Patricia Rosse?

_C Yes come in! You must be Remus Lupin_

R Yes

**J Hey Moony! Finally get out of detention?**

R No, Binns fell asleep, so I walked out and bumped into McGonagall...

S Well now your stuck here with two mad men and a shrink

_C Right, well why don't you tell us about yourself?_

S He's a werewolf.

_C What? Really?_

**J No, he's joking, right Padfoot?**

S Ouch! Prongs that was my foot! -I mean, yeah, I was kidding, does he look like a werewolf to you?

_C Right... anyway, tell me about yourself Mr Lupin_

R Um.. well I live at home with my Dad and I love books I guess...

_C You don't have a mother?_

R Well, no, she died when I was little

_C Oh, I'm sorry dear_

S Way to go Patty!

**J Shh!**

_C Well I'm afraid that's all we have time for today, I'll see you three next week._

S How come Peter doesn't have to go to these things?

R He wasn't there when you set Snape on fire

**J Hehehe, fire...**

_C Please just leave!_

S Bye Patty!

**J See you next wee-**

_C OUT!_

* * *

**Sorry it's short, it's getting late where I am so I've decided to put the next chapter on hold, it's not going to be a long story so next chapter should just about wrap it up!**

**Thanks for reading, please tell me how I did! R&R! **_  
_


	2. Did you just apologise, Moony?

**I had a lot of fun writing this! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it!**

**Incase you've forgotten,**

**James**

Sirius

Remus

_Counselor (AKA Particia Rosse, Patty or Pat)_

**Enjoy!**

* * *

S Hey Patty! Miss me?

**J Wow this week as gone by quickly, how are you doing Pat?**

_C I'm fine thank-you, but please Mr Potter, Mr Black, call me counselor!_

R Sorry about them...

**J Oi Moony! What have I told you about apologising for us!**

R Ouch! Sorry Prongs...

_C Don't hit!_

**J That was an apology!**

R Ahh! Stop hitting me! I said I was s- I mean.. never mind..

S So Patty, what's in store for todays session?

_C Call me counselor! And nothing special, I just want to know a little more about the Marauders, thats all._

**J Sorry Pat, but like I said last week, I'd have to kill you if I told you...**

_C Surely theres something, anything, you can share, any stories you'd like to tell me about?_

S We'd be here all night day Patty, you don't want to know..

_C Yes I really do, please, anything?_

**J Well...**

R I cannot and will not tell you anything Miss Rosse, no offence, but think of what will happen to me! I live in a dormitory with three Marauders! I'd never get over the mental pain they would cause me if I spilled any Marauder secrets. Besides, a magician never spills his secrets! Sorry...

**J What?**

R I said...Cori.. ander.. son!

S Corianderson?

R Erm.. Yes! Corianderson, the ability to study.. Coriander!

S We'd better take his word for it, I've never heard of Corianderson, but since when does any of us know what Moony's talking about?

**J Agreed.**

_C Isn't coriander a plant-_

R NO! IT'S NOT! Erm, so- I mean, yeah...

_C Right... Remus, do you ever feel pressured by these two boys?_

**J Yeah, _do_ you?**

R James your hurting my arm...

S Yeah Moony, do we _pressure_ you?

R I.. No, never.

_C Did you feel pressured to say that?_

**J Yeah Moony, did-**

_C Oh shush Mr Potter! And let go of Remus' arm! Did you feel pressured Remus?_

R No, I didn't.

_C Well I think you felt a litt-_

S He said he isn't pressured! Let it go Patty!

**J Yeah Pat, let it go...**

_C MY NAME IS PATRICIA! I mean, no! It's counselor! You must call me COUNSELOR!_

**J We call Professor McGonagall-**

S Who the _hell_ is Professor McGonagall- OHHH!! The Transfiguration chick! We call her Minnie!

**J Moony, if you roll your eyes anymore I swear you'll start a tornado in here!**

R Shut up Prongs...

S Yeah, shut up Prongs!

**J Padfoot!**

S Sorry mate, got caught up in the moment...

_C Can we PLEASE continue? Oh and by the way Mr Potter, I am NOT McGonagall, you do NOT have my permission to call me Pat!_

**J Why would we call Minnie Pat?**

S Yeah, that would be pretty stupid! Besides, we _don't _get permission from Minnie, she's just learnt to put up with it!

**J Yeah Pat, and soon enough, you will too!**

_C I most certainly will not! Now tell me, why do you call your selves these ridiculous names?_

S HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE NAMES OF THE MARAUDERS?

**J It's alright Mr Padfoot, I'm sure Pat didn't mean to-**

S WHERE WOULD THE WORLD BE WITHOUT US? LET ALONE OUR NICKNAMES?

_C Mr Padf- I mean, Mr Black PLEASE sit down!_

S I WILL NOT BE TOLD WHEN TO REST MY ARSE!

R Sirius seriously!

S Hehehehe...

**J Really Moony, it's not healthy to roll your eyes so much...**

_C SIT DOWN NOW MR BLACK!_

S NEVER!!!

**J Okay Mr Padfoot, I'm sure she gets the idea, lets let her off with a warning!**

S NO! Why are you so quick to give up your beliefs Mr Prongs?

**J I would never forsake the beliefs of the Marauders! I just think that we should give Pat here another warning-**

_C My name is COUNSELOR!_

**J Alright Pat! Calm down!**

R Please Padfoot, just sit down...

S NO!

**J Alright, time for drastic measures, ready Moony?**

R Ready... Do you have it with you?

**J I always keep one spare with me!**

_C Keep a spare what exactly?_

**J Stuffed kitten! Sirius has an erm... unusual fixation with these!**

_C What? Really?_

**J Yeah, watch! Oi Snuffles! Fetch!**

R Nice shot Prongs!

_**// Meoooowwwwww...\\**_

S ARGGHHHH!!!!!

_C What the HELL is he doing? MR BLACK COME BACK OVER HERE AND STOP GETTING STUFFING ALL OVER THE PLACE!_

R Wow, that must be a Snuffles record.. he ripped it to pieces in... 4 seconds!

**J Yeah! And that was as his human form too!**

R Prongs shh!

_C Human form? What do you mean human form? What other form does he have for goodness sake?_

**J Nothing, what are you talking about Pat?**

_C You said he ripped it to pieces in his human form! What other form is there?_

**J I'm afraid I have no idea what your talking about**

S That little ... thinks it can escape all mighty Padfoot! Ha! I eat kittens for breakfast...

R Padfoot mate, you have a little stuffing on your face there...

S Where?

**J In the corner of your mouth..**

S Oh, got it, thanks! As I was saying, I eat-

_C WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! YOU JUST ATE A STUFFED CAT!_

**J Pat, calm down...**

S Yeah Patty, I-

_C MY NAME IS PATRICIA- I MEAN, COUNSELOR! ARGH!_

R Please Miss Rosse, they didn't mean any harm, please come back!

_C I WILL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, GOOD DAY!_

**J Merlins pants! I thought we'd finally cracked her.. next week too!?**

S Well what else do we have to do these days?

**J Three words, matchstick, gasoline, Snivellus.**

S Damn. We'll have to wait until we've cracked her to crack Snape again..

R You two are a disgrace!

**J Awww! Thanks Moony! Did you hear that Pads?**

S Aww, I knew he loved us!

R I'm sorry but I don't feel the same way!

**J WAS THAT AN APOLOGY?**

R Erm.. no?

* * *

**So, what did you think? Please review, I really appreciate them!**


	3. Snivellus In Counseling?

**Hello again!**

**Here is, as promised, chapter three!**

**In case anyone forgot:**

R Remus

_C Counselor_

S Sirius

**J James**

_SN Snape_ (Yes that's right! New character!)_  
_

* * *

_C Well good morning Mr Black, Mr Potter, Mr Lupin!_

R Good mo-

S Hey Patty!

**J How have you been holding up Pat?**

_C Mr Black, Mr Potter, I will not ask you again! Call me Counselor!_

S Yeah, yeah, so Patty, what's on for today?

**J Yeah because I have serious plans today**

S Awwww! He has Sirius plans!

**J Erm.. no, sorry mate but I meant I have plans with Lily, serious plans...**

S Ahh, Evans has replaced me...

**J No Padfoot! She's just-**

S Mate, I was kidding! I know you need your times with Evans, and in the mean time, Remus and I can hang out!

R Yeah.. great...

_C Right, if you don't mind me asking Mr Potter, who is Evans?_

S Evans is his _girlfriend!_

R Old Prongs here has been after Lily Evans' heart for a long.. _long_ time!

_C How long?_

**J Seven years! But she finally agreed to go out with me last month! And today we're going to the library to.. study..**

S Hehe, yeah, study...

R I'm sure...

**J What better place to_... study... _than the good old Library, and the restricted section, eh Padfoot? Eh?**

S I hear you loud and clear mate, loud and clear.. I showed him that place two years ago! It's deserted, perfect for snogg- I mean, studying...

R Right...

_C Well, thats very erm.. interesting.._

R This is nothing, you should hear them at night when they think me and Pete are sleeping.. Merlin, the healers at St Mungos should have given them muzzles when they were born, and warning signs tattooed to their foreheads...

**J Aww thanks mate, well the healers at St Mungos must have given you a book when you were born because you can't seem to put one down! Your even reading now!**

R Well I have an Ancient Runes test tomorrow!

S Mate, that is just sad, give the book to me before you collapse with a knowledge overload!

R No! Get off me! I _need _it Sirius!

**J Moony your causing a scene, give the book to Padfoot!**

R NO!!! NOT THE FIREPLACE!

_C Mr Black don't you dare-_

S See you in hell Ancient Runes! Ha!

**J Nice Pads**

_C Mr Black, stop bowing and sit down! Are you alright Mr Lupin? Would you like a tissue?_

R I'm not crying! I have something in my eye!

S Oops, a bit of ash from your book must have fallen out of the fireplace! Sorry Moony!

**J Or.. he's out of his mind in grief! The loss of loved ones is normal Moony.. just.. let it go...**

R Shut up Prongs!

_C Could we please continue?_

S I'm ready, but first, one question...

_C What is it?_

S Why do people call you a shrink? I mean.. do you actually shrink? Or does your dignity shrink when you try to counsel the un-counsel-able? Like the Marauders?  


_C Well I-_

R_ Un-counsel-able_? Theres no such word! Merlin your an idiot!

S No need to be mean Moony...

**J Yeah Moony! Don't worry Pads, he's just depressed because you burnt his one true love!**

S One true love? Well it's a good thing I burnt it before it found out about the ten million other true loves in the library.. what were you thinking Moony? Something like that can.. tear a person all up inside? Hehehe...

**J Wait.. I don't get it..**

R Sirius really, haven't you got anything better to-

**J OH! I JUST GOT IT! Hehehe... tear, as in paper tearing.. hahaha...**

S Yes Prongs, that was the joke, thanks..

_C Boys please! Can we continue?_

S You didn't answer my question from before...

_C Because it was completely ridiculous!_

S Jeez, your worse than Moony! So mean to poor Padfoot...

R Please, just continue with the session Miss Rosse...

_C Right, thank-you Mr Lupin, anyway, we have a guest here with us this morning YES YOU CAN COME IN NOW! Now, this person has asked to remain __anonymous, so he has a black bag over his face, yes here he is! Please take a seat!_

_SN Thank-you..._

**J Wait a minute...**

S I kno that voice...

_C NO YOU DON'T! I mean.. right well, hem hem. Mr erm.. Mr __Anonymous, there was something you wanted to tell these men, so please, feel free to tell them how you feel..._

_SN Do I have to?_

_C Yes dear, just let it all out..._

_SN Well, um.. alright then. The other day, you three-_

**J Lit you on fire?**

S Levitated you to the ceiling in the great hall by your underwear?

R Charmed the words 'Future Mrs Slughorn' to float above your head and follow you around all day and disappear when you looked up?

_SN Well, I-_

**J And told the Merpeople, with the help of Moony's translator book, that you were threatening to wash your greasy underwear in the lake...**

S Ooh that wasn't pretty...

R Those Merpeople can get pretty rough.. especially when they told the Giant Squid of your 'intentions' and it waited for you to sit under the beech tree and-

_SN Yes thank-you!_

**J Ooh and we charmed your Cheeri-owls cereal to attack you when you tried to eat them...**

S And we sent that love letter to Pamela Grinsett addressed from you!

R And we charmed your scarf to strangle you...

**J And last year in winter we charmed an army of snowmen to attack you in your sleep...**

S Ooh, and we-

_C That's enough thank-you!_

_SN Yes, completely uncalled for..._

**J Hello Snivellus!**

S Long time no see... Oh god no! Keep the black bag on! Oh god! 

R Prongs shouldn't we tell him about the thing we put under his bed the other night-

**J I have no idea what your talking about _Moony!_**

R Ouch that was my _foot_!

S What foot?

**J Yes, what foot?**

_C Moving on... well I suppose they know who you are now... how did you feel when they did all these erm.. 'pranks' on you Mr Snape?_

_SN Well, pretty bad actually-_

**J HAHAHAH!**

S BAHAHAH!

R Hehe- I mean, cough- cough-

**J Classic...**

S Genius!

R Well it was pretty funny when the squid-

_C Enough please! This is about Mr Snape's feelings!_

**J HAHAHAHA! Feelings? What _feelings_!?**

S That kid is a freak of nature, he does not have _feelings!_

**J Agreed.**

_C Shut it you two!_

S Sorry Patty...

**J My deepest apologies Pat!**

R Yeah Pa- I mean, sorry Miss Rosse...

_C Now please continue Mr Snape.._

_SN Er__m... Well when you levitated me by my underwear it really hurt and I had to go to the Hospital wing-_

S HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

**J BAHAHAHAHAH!**

_C Get up you two! Get off the floor now!_

S I... can't...BREATHE!

**J ..I... see... a light..!**

S Go... towards.. the... light!

**J ...not... without... Lily..!**

S HAHAHA! Stop-... stop-... can't... can't... oh Merlin...!

_C Oh seriously!_

R It is pretty funny...

_C Have I taught you nothi__ng?_

R Do you want an honest answer or...

_C THAT'S ENOUGH! SIRIUS AND JAMES GET UP AND SIT DOWN IMMEDIATELY!_

**J Alright Pat**

S I'll... try...

_C Right, back to business! Mr Snape, apart from obvious physical pain, how did you feel when they lit you on.. erm.. fire..._

_SN Well, pretty bad actually.. I wanted to kill them.. especially Potter... stupid git- ARGH!  
_

_C ARRGHH! MR BLACK GET OFF OF HIM!_

S You dirty!.. Rotten... snitch... greasy... slime-ball... stupid... git...

R SIRIUS STOP IT! STOP HITTING HIM!

**J HAHAH! HE DESERVES IT! GOOD ON YA MATE! OOH CAREFUL! DON'T KNOCK THE BLACK BAG OFF!  
**

_C GET OUT! ALL OF YOU GET OUT NOW! OUT OUT OUT!_

**J No more counseling?**

_C I WILL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!_

**J Aww...**

R Aww...

S ... Ugly.. rotten.. What? Aww... more counseling...

_SN Argh!!.. What? More? Aww..._

S SHUT ... UP!

_C GET OUT!_

**J Seeya Pat-**

_C OUT!_

* * *

**Well there you have it! I wrote this while babysitting on Christmas eve.. I know, how much does that suck??**

**Merry Christmas! **

**With love,**

** Emmi-Chick x **


	4. Lily's Addition Sounds Promising

**Right! Here's chapter four! I'm so sorry it's taken so long... but I hope you like it!  
**

**In case you forgot...**

**J James**

S Sirius

_SN Snape_

_C Counselor_

R Remus

**L Lily!** (**Yep, new character!)**

* * *

**J Morning Pat!**

S Don't deny it Patty, I know you missed me _this_ time!

_C I've decided that the reason you two call me Pat and Patty, is because you're insecure, if I don't respond, you will stop calling me those names!_

**J But Pat is your name!**

_C Sorry but I can't hear you._

S Hey Patty! Patty?

_C Cough_

S Perfect... I think Patty is an old bag with no friends.. she doesn't realize that the only person in this room who actually needs counseling, is Moony.

**J Agreed.**

R Hey! I do not!

S Hey Moony?

R ..What?

S What ever happened to that Ancient Runes book of yours? Hehe..

R SHUT UP! I mean.. I think I lost it...

**J Yeah, in the fireplace.. good one Pads**

S Why thank you!

**J You're welcome!**

S Quite.

**J Indeed..**

R ...

_C ..._

_SN ..._

S Right...

**J I think they're looking at you..**

S No, they're looking at your glasses

**J What? Why would they be looking at my-**

_C CAN WE CONTINUE??_

**J Sure thing Pat**

S Go ahead Patty

_C My name is.. never mind.. right, back to business_,_ Mr Snape, in one word, describe how you felt when the 'Marauders' lit you on fire.._

**J Hot**

S HAHAHAHAH! HOT!

R Hehe..

_SN THATS NOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY!_

**J I bet it was...**

S Look at me! I'm Snivellus on fire! HELP! IT'S HOT! I'M HOT!

_C MR BLACK SIT DOWN!_

**J HAHAHA!**

R C'mon Pat, it is pretty funny...

_C What did you call me?_

R Pat...

**J Yes! Good on you mate!**

S For your information, Moony, her name is Patty!

**J PAT!**

S PATTY!

**J PAT!**

S PATTY!

**J PAT!**

S PATTY!

**J PAT!**

S PATT-

_C MY NAME IS COUNSELOR! CALL ME YOUR FREAKING COUNSELOR!_

**J Woah Pat, calm down!**

S Yeah Patty, we were just mucking around, but you didn't have to go and yell!

R Women...

**J Agreed.**

S Agreed.

**L What's agreed?**

S ...

R ...

_SN ..._

**J LILY!**

**L Hi James! Am I in the right place? Miss..? Sorry I wasn't told your name…**

S Call her Patty!

**J No no, her name is Pat!**

S PATTY!

**J PAT!**

S PATTY!

_C MY NAME IS COUNSELOR!_

**L Oh, erm.. hello P- I mean, counselor.. sorry...**

_C No, I'm sorry dear, it's these damn Marauders, they're going to drive me mad! You must be Lily Evans_

**L Welcome to my world.. you'll get used to it! And yes, I'm Lily.**

_C I hope not.. well, take a seat then!_

**J Lily's going to be in counseling from now on?**

_C Yes she is, is that a problem Mr Potter?_

**J OF COURSE NOT! THANK-YOU PAT!**

S Well, at least we'll have someone to annoy...

**L Whats that supposed to mean?**

**J Nothing Lily flower, Sirius didn't mean it.**

S Prongs… you are so whipped.

**J Am not!**

R In James' defence Sirius, you don't know what that word means…

S I do, I'm just not going to tell you guys what it means…

**J So Lily, why are you in here? Your no mentalerer than I am!**

**L Two things Potter, one, the word mentalerer doesn't exist, and two, maybe I'm in here because you've done nothing but ANNOY ME EVERY WAKING SECOND OF MY LIFE! EVER SINCE I STEPPED FOOT INTO THIS BLOODY SCHOOL!**

**J See how mean she is to me Pat? Did you hear that Padfoot?**

S Yeah I heard her mate

**J Did you hear Moony?**

**L For god's sake James I-**

**J No no Lily! I want to know if Moony heard your outburst.**

R Well, yeah I heard her Prongs but-

**J Thank-you.**

**L …That's it?**

**J Huh?**

**L … That's all you wanted to know? If they heard me?**

**J Oh, yeah.**

**L I.. don't understand..**

**J Don't understand what Lily flower?**

**L That-**

_C I think you all can agree I've been VERY patient with you four! I-_

S There's five of us!

_C Mr Snape hasn't done or said anything!_

S I know Patty! He's so uncooperative…

_C No, he's BEHAVING_

S … No, I think he's being uncooperative Patty.

_C Shut up Mr Black_

S OUCH! MY SELF ESTEEM! Oooowww!!

**J Oh jeez! Are you alright Padfoot?**

_C What are you talking about? Mr Black get up off the floor!_

S It hurts!! I can't breathe!!

**J What the hell is wrong with you Pat? What did you do?**

S I'm so vulnerable! STOP LOOKING AT ME! I'm so fat…

R Sirius get up!

S SHUT UP MOONY! I REALISE I HAVE A BIG NOSE! NO NEED TO YELL IT TO THE WORLD!

_C That's enough Mr Black! Get up! I will not allow you to ruin another lesson!_

S Stop looking at my arse Snivellus!!

**J Snivellus!! Well! I am shocked- actually… no, I'm not really…**

_SS I'm not looking at his…well I'm not looking there!-_

**J It's okay Snivellus, you're half way to serenity, admitting your… the way you are is one big step! Three cheers for Snivellus! Hippip!**

S Hooray!- Ouch my abnormally huge nose…

**J Hippip!**

R Hooray…?

**J Hippip!**

**L Hooray!!**

_SS Lily!_

**L Oh come on! You had it coming… besides, it all makes sense! Congratulations Sev!**

**J I love you Lily…**

**L Aww! How sweet! I love you too James!**

S Ohh! Get a room!

_C ENOUGH! MR BLACK, GET OFF THE FLOOR, THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! PHYSICALLY. MR LUPIN! PLEASE CONTROL MR BLACK! AND MR POTTER, KINDLY CEASE KISSING MISS EVANS AND RE-TAKE YOUR SEAT!! AND MR SNAPE, STOP CRYING THEY ARE ONLY KIDDING!_

R What?

**J WHAT?**

S WHAT?!

_SS I'm not crying!_

**J HAHHA**

R HAHAHA!

S BAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

_C GET THE HELL OUT! ALL OF YOU! IMMIDIATLY! I CANNOT TAKE THE FRUSTRATION!_

**L No more counseling?**

_C I WILL SEE EVERY ONE OF YOU NEXT WEEK!_

**J Aww…**

S No!

R I have a potions essay due!

_SS I cannot take this anymore!_

**L I suppose we can skip our date next week James…**

**J THANKS A LOT PAT!**

_C GET OUT!_

S Why does she do this to herself..? Oh and Patty, you know I was kidding, my self esteem is as good as ever! So.. what are you doing later tonight?

_C OUT!!_


	5. An Unexpected Death

**Forget whose who? Check the list, then read on!**

**J James**

S Sirius

_SN Snape_

_C Counselor_

R Remus

**L Lily!**

* * *

**Enjoy!! xx**

* * *

_C Good morning everyone, welcome to session five..._

**J Hello**

S Morning

R Hey

**L Good morning**

_C Well I am pleasantly surprised that all of you managed to say good morning so poli-_

**J Snivellus, Pat said good morning... what do you say?**

S I know... so rude Snivellus!

_SN Shut up Potter_

**J Ouch... Pat Snivellus was mean!**

S You alright mate?

**J Yeah... I think so... just, please, carry on Pat... ouch...**

**L James, stop it.**

**J By your command my beautiful-**

_C Mr Potter, thats quite enough..._

S You need to be more careful Snivellus, think before you say!

_SN Thats rich coming from you, Black_

S See what I mean? You really are in the right place here Snivellus, this lady is here to help you.

_SN If my memory is correct, we're all in here because you and Potter... well, because of you!_

S What did I do? Refresh my memory! I think it has something to do with gasoline...

**J He he he...**

_C Do you mind? We're running a tight schedule today, and I'd appreciate it if-_

S How tight?

_C Well... we have fifteen minutes today..._

S Oh sweet! I mean... well, just sweet!

**J Sirius, if we finish early, we have to go to potions!**

S NO!

R James is right... we won't have a choice

_SN Yes!_

_C Okay, Mr Black, I want you to think back to your earliest memory of Snape here, what-_

S Wait, I have a question.

_C I erm.. well alright then, what is it?_

S What is god?

**J Nice one Padfoot**

**L Oh brother...**

_C God?_

S Yeah, god, you know... what is it?

_C Erm... I'm not sure I'm the right person to answer that question_

S But you're a counselor! You know everything!

_C Well... I erm... God is-_

S Wait, I have a new question...

_C Very well... what is it?_

S Can you burp the alphabet?

_C Excuse me?_

S The alphabet...

_C Yes?_

S Can you burp it?

_C No! Of course I can't, thats disgusting! Now if you don't mind, I'd like to continue with the session-_

**J Hold on! I have a question.**

_C Mr Potter, I-_

**J It's quick! And important...**

_C Very well then, whats wrong?_

**J Where do babies come from?**

_C MR POTTER! How old are you?_

**J Seventeen... but I-**

_C Then you should know._

**J But I don't..**

_C Then ask someone else!_

**J Alright, hey Snivellus, where do babies come from?**

_SN Shut up Potter, you and I both know McGonagall told the entire class in 2nd year._

**J I forgot.**

S Me too!

_C Shush! All of you!_

**J I need to know!**

R James, when a man and a woman love each other very much... they-

_C Thats enough Mr Lupin!_

R Sorry...

**L Can we continue?**

S Evans! How could you?

**J Lily sshhh...**

_C Mr Black, what is your earliest memory of Mr Snape? You said you hated him ever since you first saw him... what made you hate him?_

S Well... it was on our first day, on platform 9 and 3/4, and Snivellus was reading Hogwarts: A History out loud to some future Slytherin pure bloods... they'd already found their new death eater friends-

_C Language!_

S Right, sorry... anyway, one of them saw me and pointed me out to the rest of them, I think it was Avery, anyway, they made Snivellus come over to me and ask if I wanted to sit with them. When I asked why, he told me it was because I was a Black-

**J Racist little-**

**L James!**

**J Sorry, continue mate.**

S ...anyway, I said he can go shove his wand up his-

R Sirius...

S Up Knockturn Alley... anyway, the others heard me and it got into a rather huge fight, they asked if I thought I was too good for them, to which I replied obviously... and they whipped out their wands. Thats when I met Moony!

R Yeah... good times! Good times...

_C What happened?_

S Well Moony, being the peace keeper in our little family, tried to calm us all down... before James came along!

**J Ha ha ha... the looks on their faces were priceless!**

**L Wait, I'm confused... what happened then?**

S Well, James came walking up to the scene and told them all to bugger off or he'd tie them all to the back of the train. They seemed to clear off rather quickly... I think it was because they realized James was a Potter! No one messes with a Potter, they must be the most famous family of aurors in a century!

**J Well... what can I say?**

S After that, Snivellus here made himself a powerful enemy... or enemies!

**L ...So what about Peter?**

R What about him?

**L Well you all met then and there... when did Peter come into the story?**

S We found the death eaters-

_C Mr Black!_

S The future Slytherins! Picking on him when the train arrived in Hogsmeade, long story short, we helped him get rid of those little-

_C I can now see, that the rivalry between Mr Snape here, and the Marauders is no ones direct fault... it was just an accident?_

**J Accident! Sure, thats one way of putting it...**

S That was no accident, it was fate!

R A proud day to be a Marauder, in fact.

_C I see...well that's about all the time we have for today! I-_

S Wait, I have a question...

_C Now what...?_

S Whose side are you on? The death eaters, or the Marauders?

_C Mr Black, that language is hardly necess-_

**J Answer the question Pat! It ain't a hard one...**

_C I'm not on any side, I'm here to help!_

S A likely story...

**J Indeed...**

R Quite...

_C Stop that! Now all of you, out!_

S Question...

_C What?_

S What exactly, is a brochure?

_C A what?_

S A brochure! What is it?

_C It's a pamphlet!_

S I see... whats a pamphlet?

_C Get out!_

**J I have a question...**

_C Make it quick..._

**J If I hit Sirius, what would you do?**

_C If you hit Sirius?_

**J Yeah, like this!-**

S OUCH! Ahhh, Merlin that hurt! What was that for?

R Prongs what the hell?

_C Oh come on Mr Black, he barely touched you-_

**J Ouch that looks bad, Padfoot are you alright?**

S DON'T TOUCH ME! Arghh it's unbearable! Someone go get Poppy!

_C Whats a Poppy?_

R Madam Pomfrey!

**L Sirius get up!**

S I can't... oh Merlin... am I bleeding? Prongs, look to see if I'm bleeding!

**J I can't see anything! Move your hand!**

_C Thats enough, both of you stop-_

**J OH MERLIN! PADFOOT! I'M SO SORRY! OH GOD! I think I'm going to be sick...  
**

S WHAT? IT IS BAD?

**J PUT PRESSURE ON IT! It's okay mate, we'll get through this!**

_C What? Show me, Mr Potter move aside!_

S Ohhh it hurts!

_C Potter, move your hand from Mr Black's arm, let me see!_

**J No can do Pat, I need to keep pressure on the wound!**

S GET POPPY!

R Calm down Sirius!

**L Oh no! James, don't move your hand!**

**J It's okay Lily, I won't!**

S Uhhh my vision is going!

**J Padfoot!**

R Sirius! No!

**L Sirius please don't die!**

S ...Don't cry for me L-Lily, I will be y-your personal p-poltergeist... a-and... and...

**J What is it? Speak to me!**

_SN Is he really dying?_

_C Oh dear..._

**L Let him speak!**

R Sirius...

S A-and... I have a few last words...

**J Say them mate!**

S Snivellus is... a slimy freak.. ugh...

**J SIRIUS! NOOOOOOOO!**

R Sirius...?

**L Oh James...**

**J It's alright Lily... it's alright...**

_SN He isn't... he can't be..._

**J He was my best friend...**

_C What? This is ridiculous! You barely touched him and now he's dead?_

**J EVERYTHING IS DEAD TO ME NOW!**

_C Calm down Mr Potter!_

**J CALM WON'T BRING SIRIUS BACK!**

**L James!**

_SN I can't believe this!_

R Poor Padfoot...

S Psst, James, has it been half an hour yet? Are we clear of Potions?

**J Padfoot you idiot! It's been thirty seconds!**

R Way to go Padfoot...

_C WHAT?_

**L WHAT?**

_SN NO! HE'S ALIVE?_

S No, I'm dead...

_C GET OUT NOW!_

**J No! He's dead, those are just reflexes! And... gas escaping!**

_C This is low you two, even for Marauders!_

**L She has a point... you scared me!**

S Aww, Evans would miss me if I took the ghost train to hellsville!

**L Thats one way of putting it...**

S Aww, I'm touched!

R That is rather unexpected...

**J She'd miss me more!**

_C Thats enough! I see now that you two need more counseling than I thought!_

**J Please don't say it...**

S Don't... my fragile heart can't take these words...

R You two have done it now...

_SN No... no... no!!_

_C I WILL SEE YOU ALL NEXT WEEK!_

**J, **S, R, **L, **_SN_ _**NOOOOOOOOO!**_

S Now that you mention it... I am feeling a little light headed...

_C You'll live, OUT!_

S But I-

_C OUT!_

**J C'mon mate.**

S Well can I go die in front of another teacher? I don't feel like going to Potions today...

R What about Flitwick?

**J Nahh, did it last week.**

S Minnie?

R Perfect!

_C GET OUT!_

**L She gets worse every week...**

* * *

**And there you go!**

**Sorry for the wait...**

**R&R!**

**Emmi x**


	6. What's that lovely smell?

**I realise it's been a while, and I apologise!**

**I hope you enjoy chapter six though!**

**Quick reminders;;**

* * *

**J James Potter**

S Sirius Black

R Remus Lupin

_C Patricia Rosse (Counselor)_

**L Lily Evans**

* * *

_C Good morning Marauders, welcome to session six of counseling. How has school treated you this week?_

**J Pst, Pads!**

S Eh?

**J Is Pat acting a little... too nice to you?**

S Don't look at me, she's being nice to you!

**J No I mean, does she seem a little... happier than normal?**

S Oh, hmm...

_C Don't whisper in here please! It's rude. Professor McGonagall has given me permission to deduct house points after your little... episode last week! So don't make me take points because I really don't want to!_

S Yeah right

**J Padfoot I don't think she was joking...**

S Sure she was, she was bluffing Prongs! Anyone can see- What are you writing Patty?

_C I'm taking notes of how many points you've lost so far this session, Mr Black._

**J, **S **How many?**

_C A few. Now, are we going to cooperate today?_

S I-

R Yes Counselor, we are.

S Thanks a lot Moony.

**J Shut up Pads, she's writing again!**

R Both of you shut up! The longer we talk, the longer she writes!

S That's a pretty bad way of counseling people...

**J Sirius stop talking!**

R James _you're_ talking!

S Moony shush she's writing!

**J Sirius!**

R James!

S Dumbledore!

**J ...**

R ...

_C ..._

S What? Oh right, sorry. Remus!

R Shut up Sirius!

**J Moony, you hypocrite!!**

R You're one to talk!

S Hey, leave James alone!

**J I can defend myself!**

R You two are losing all the points we've earned all year, IN ONE MINUTE!

S If talking loses points, I wonder what yelling does MOONY! Jees!

**J Maybe if you stop talking Pat will tell us!**

S I am so sick of you calling this poor defenseless woman PAT!

_C ..._

**J ...**

S HER NAME IS PATTY!

**J PAT!**

S PA-

R Oh no you don't! Both of you sit down! She still hasn't stopped writing!

**J Maybe _Pat_ will stop writing when Padfoot shuts his barking mouth! Get it Pads? Hehe...  
**

S Oh no, whatever you're laughing about... I'm still angry at you! And 'barking?' You could have come up with a better word than- than... OH WAIT I JUST GOT IT! Barking... hahaha!

R You two have issues.

S Shush Moony, she's still writing!

R Don't shush me-

**J Shush!**

_C You're all... finished then-?_

S Shush Patty I'm writing!

_C Excuse me?_

R Sirius, where did you get that paper and quill from?

S Found them.

**J Nice!**

R Great, she's writing again! Well done you two.

S Thanks.

**J He was being sarcastic!**

S Oh... well sarcasm isn't very healthy Moony, where's a counselor when you need one?

_C ..._

S Oh thank god! Patty, you must help this poor boy, he's having a sarcasm over load!

R Shut up!

S It was just a joke...

R Not because of that! Shut up because she's still writing!

**J Moony has a point, we're taking this too far.**

S YOU'RE TAKING THIS TOO FAR!

R Sirius!

S Shush Moony, she's writing!

R WHAT?

S Hurts, doesn't it?

R You're such a two year old

S Which makes you a two year old with a tonne of books.

**J Nice!**

S Thanks

R Both of you shut up!

S Okay mum, have you seen my friend Moony? I think he tripped and fell up his own butt.

R Hey Sirius, why don't you try and prove me wrong about you being a two year old, instead of proving me right!

**J Butt... hehe**

S Speaking of butts, wheres Snivellus today?

**J Maybe he died!**

S Don't say that! My heart couldn't take it if I saw him tomorow... what a let down. It's not nice to get someone's hopes up like that Prongs!

**J Sorry**

S S'allright. Hey Patty may I borrow your pen?

_C No._

S Why?

_C Because I'm busy deducting points!_

**J Why don't you just say '10 points from Gryffindor?' Why do you have to write it down?**

_C Because I'm not a professor. I need to keep a tally of the points taken, then give them to Professor McGonagall or they won't... work..._

**J, **S, R _**...**_

_C Don't get any ideas!_

**J ... What? Oh, no! Not at all...**

S Us...? Ideas? Well I'm appauled.

R That makes two of us. Pads, _what_ is that smell?

S Perfume...

**J I thought I smelled something... wait, what??**

R Perfume!?

S What? What's wrong?

R Again... PERFUME?!

S Yeah...

**J Erm... mind if we ask, why?**

S It's 'Fantasy' by Brittany Spears

**J Wha-?**

R Not _who_! _WHY?_

S Alright, I'll let you in on a secret men... plus Moony-

R I-

S Women happen to be attracted to the scents of other women! I'm a genius!

**J Really? I would have guessed you were some sparkling fairy covered in peach juice by the way you smell!**

S Your mind says sparking fairy, mine says chick-magnet. Feeling okay there Prongs? Don't worry, these are natural thoughts.

**J Oh shut up!**

R Erm... guys?

S And here I was thinking Moony was the one in need of counseling, don't worry Prongs, this lady can help you.

**J And my foot down your throat can help you!**

S How would that help me?

**J Well... it would help me feel better!**

S Selfish...

**J Perfume chromer!**

S Evans harasser!

**J Hypocrite!**

S You can't even spell hypocrite!

**J You don't even know what a hypocrite is!**

S That is so hypocritical of you...

**J I knew you'd say that**

S I knew _you'd_ say _that!_

**J No you didn't!**

S Four eyes!

**J Pat lover!**

S Pete lover!

**J Skeeze!**

S Quidditch wannabe!

**J Thong wearer!**

S Bed wetter... in first year!

**J Bed wetter! In second year!**

S Go eat a quaffle!

**J Go hump Snivellus' leg!**

S Why you little-

**L ENOUGH! CAN'T YOU SEE THIS HOUSE-POINT-COUNTING TEST IS TEARING US APART!?**

**J ...**

_C ..._

S ...

R ...

S Calm down Evans!

**J Yeah Lils, we were just kidding around!**

R Lily... how long have you been in here for?

**L This whole time!**

R Oh

**J Right**

S Well...

**L So... Sirius really wet the bed in second year?**

**J YES!**

S NO!

**J Don't deny it! You made me lie to Minnie and pretend it was tea!**

R I remember that...

**J P-P-Professor... I spilt m-my tea in Sirius's b-b-bed! Waaaahh!**

S I hate my life...

_C THAT'S IT! I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! I'M OUT OF HERE!_

**J Why? What did we do?**

_C I've been so patient with you four!_

S And you crack because I said I hate my life?

R That's not very reasonable...

**L Agreed**

S Agreed

**L Shut up!**

S Sorry...

**J At least we're done with counseling!**

_C I will see you all-_

S LA LA LA LA! IT DOESN'T COUNT IF I DON'T HEAR YOU SAY IT!

**J LA LA LA!**

R Very well... LA LA LA!

S Ouch Remus!

_C NEXT WEEK!_

**J, **S, R, **L _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_**

S Hah! Jokes on Patty! She left the house point sheet here!

**J I hate you Padfoot**

R Me too

**L Me too**

S Oh come on guys!

**J Another week!**

S To answer your question... yeah, Patty does seem to be in a better mood today!

**J SHUT UP!**

S Don't worry, Prongs! She's gone, we don't need to worry about losing anymore points!

R Wow... we lost over three hundred points...

S Well... a better mood than last week...

**L Mmm... what's that lovely smell?**

R Sirius, run.

S Why?

**J I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!**

* * *

**Ta daaaa! Let me know how I did!**

**Any and all feedback is welcome! **


	7. That's Constable Jensen!

**Sorry, sorry, sorry.**

**I know it's been a lifetime, and I'm sorry :(**

**Here's chapter 6... it's kinda random...  
**

* * *

_C Welcome to session number seven, Marauders_

**J Hey Pa-**

S Can we hurry this session up? I have a date with my new Nintendo Wii

R What?! This is the 80's! We're wizards! How the hell did you get a Nintendo Wii??

S ...Internet

**J Well that makes sense! Can I play?**

S Are... are you kidding?

**J What?**

S I said are you _kidding_?

**J No... I can't have a turn?**

S This is a _Nintendo Wii_, Prongs! Of course you can't have a go!

**J Why the hell not?**

S N-I-N-T-E-N-D-O W-I-I

**J Er.. thanks mate, now I can spell Nintendo Wii. Do you want to tell me why I can't have a go though?**

S Because!

_C Do you mind if we continue now please?_

**J Hold on a sec. Padfoot, you still haven't explained why I can't play!**

S It's pretty self-explanitory, mate

**J No it's not!**

S I'm preeety sure it is

**J You're not making any sense!**

S YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!

**J Where is the Wii?**

S Hehehe... where is the wee...

**J Not wee! Wii! Stop laughing!**

S You know, this is the reason I first bought a Wii, think of all the funny things you can get away with saying to professors!

R Are you serious?

S Yes, I am Sirius

**J Oh for crying out loud!**

R Not another one...

_C I'm kind of sick of that too..._

S No one asked your opinion... you wii!

R Padfoot

S Mm?

R You just bought a $300 Nintendo Wii so that you could say something like that to a professor?

S Uh... yeah? Got a problem Moony?

R Not a one, lets continue before Padfoot discovers the PSP

S PSP... pee swims in sewers?

R Yes Padfoot, PSP stands for pee swims in sewers...

S Thats hilarious!

R Said the two year old

S Hey, I don't have an addiction to electronic devices with funny names, okay? I can stop whenever I want. I'm just cool like that.

R Never said you couldn't

S Thats right. Coz I'd own you at virtual bowling and you know it.

R What does virtual bowling have to do with anything?

S ...and virtual tennis.

**J Guys! Seriously!**

S Moony started it!

_C Boys! Let's continue. Today, I brought in cards with pictures on them, I'm going to hold them up, and you tell me what you see._

S Ohh I love this game!

_C No, it's not a game Mr Black, it's going to help me figure out how you think._

S Oh. Well I'm gonna kick Moony's wii at this anyway!

_C You can't beat anyone! It's not a game! There are no right or wrong answers!_

S Thats what losers say, Patty.

_C Mr Lupin, what do you see in this card?_

R Er... a book?

S HAAAAAHAHAHAHAH!

R What?

S A book... good one! Everyone knows its a dinosaur! 10 points!!

_C There is no points!_

S Said the loser!

**J Ohhh, I see the dinosaur!**

S I saw it first!

**J Fine, I'll get the next one! You'll see.**

_C Boys, you can't win or lose! Mr Potter, what do you see in this card?_

**J A golden snitch**

S Is it Prongs... is it?

**J Uh... I think so**

S But is it really...?

**J Erm... I'm going to change my answer!**

S Good move!

_C No Mr Potter, you can't change your answer!_

S TOO LATE! He changed it. I think it's a golden snitch

**J WHAT? I SAID THAT FIRST!**

S You changed your answer!

**J You're such a cheater Padfoot**

S 20 points! I'm winning!

_C You can't win or lose!_

S Thats what it says at the start of my Wii game, but I win anyway!

R You're such a child

S Yeah, it must suck to be beaten at an ink card game by a child, huh Moony?

R The only thing you're beating me in is your ability to charm your way out of detention!

S Jealous much?

R Not really

S You're jealous

R I am not!

S Aren't you Moony... aren't you?

**J Sirius, I'm going to kick you in the Wii in a second**

S Good one Prongs! I'm going to need you to sign this release form, stating you didn't come up with that Wii joke and pass all rights of said joke to me, Sirius Black

**J Erm... maybe later...**

S Righto, but you will

**J Yeah, sure**

R Padfoot you're scaring me

S GOOD!

R I'm going to sit on the other side of the room...

S Suit yourself, LEG REST FOR SIRIUS!

_C Um... okay. Sirius, what do you see in this card?_

S I see... an epiphany!

_**J, R, C What?**_

S You know... sudden realisation-

R We know what it means but... how the hell do you see one? Its a dot on a page.

S Is it Moony... is it- OUCH! PRONGS! YOU HIT ME!

**J I warned you**

S You're just jealous, Prongs. You can take my flesh, but you shall never take my 30 hard earned points!

**J How did you get to 30?**

_C Its not a g-_

S Dinosaur... snitch... epiphany!

**J But we have no answer sheets!**

_C There are no a-_

**J And the snitch is mine!**

S No way! You changed your answer!

**J Coz you cheated! And since when were we counting in 10's?  
**

R This is getting a little weird...

S I DID NOT CHEAT! LOOK IT UP IN THE RULES!

**J WHAT RULES?**

S THE INK... CARD... GAME RULES! THOSE RULES!

**J THEY DON'T EXIST!**

S YOU DON'T EXIST!

**J ...why?**

S I'm sorry! It just slipped out!

**J You're a monster!**

S I'm sorry Prongs! I didn't mean it!

**J Whose Prongs? I was under the impression he didn't exist!**

R Oh god no...

_C What?_

R This happened in our third year... Sirius told James he didn't exist... James refused to answer to his name for a month. We had to call him Constable Jensen Fratton

_C Jensen what?_

R Peter picked the name...

_C Ohhh... okay_

**J Well if Prongs doesn't exist, why don't I just go find my friend Jensen, you seemed to like him!**

S NO! Not Fratton! He hates me!

**J Can't say I blame him! But then again, I don't exist! Oh, heres Constable Jensen Fratton now!--**

S Prongs, don't-

**CJF --Ellllooooo Padfoot!  
**

R Oh no...

_C What on earth?_

S Oh, hi Jensen...

**CJF THATS CONSTABLE JENSEN TO YOU, SWINE!**

S YES SIR!

**CJF LEAD ME TO YOUR NINTENDO WII OR I'LL... throw my... SHOE AT YOU!**

S But... you're not wearing any shoes... sir!

**CJF THEY'RE INVISIBLE! And heavy...**

S TO THE WII!

_C Now do you see why you and your friends need counseling Mr Lupin?_

R I never said we didn't!

**CJF RUN FASTER BOY!**

S DOES THIS MEAN I LOSE ALL MY POINTS?

**CJF YES!**

S Aww... do I really?

**CJF ...yes!**

S NAWWWW...


	8. I'll Have My People Call Your People

**This is SO random...**

**If you are sensitive to randomness... I suggest you throw your computer out the window... if you are not near a window or are too weak to pick up your computer, I suggest a match! And some gasoline :)**

**Enjoy!**

**P.S **(G1 & G2) **Are new characters!!**

_

* * *

C Hello boys..._

**J Pat...**

R Counselor...

**L Counselor...**

_SN Counselor..._

S Patty...

(G1) Hi!

(G2) Whose she?

(G1) Sirius' mum!

(G2) Oh... Hello Mrs Black!

S That is _NOT_ my mother!

_C Thank god..._

S Hey! I resent that!

(G1) Well who is she then?

_C I believe a better question is, who are _you_?!_

(G2) Fine! Who are _you_?

_C No! Who are _you?

(G1) Who are _you?_

_C No! Who are _you?

(G2) Who are _you?_

**J Who am I?**

R Who is anyone?

**J ...Touché, Mr Moony...**

_C Quiet you two! Young ladies... who are you and what are you doing here?_

S It's okay Patty, they're with me. This is Lauren and Amanda.

(G1) No, _I'm _Lauren!

(G2) And _I'm _Amanda!

S Whatever!

_C I'm afraid you haven't answered my second question!_

S I said they were with me!

_C But what are they doing here?_

S They're my posse...

R Padfoot, not this again...

S I NEED ONE, OKAY MOONY?

R You do _not_!

S You don't understand...

(G1&2) We understand, Sirius!

S I know, that's why _you're_ my posse.

**L Sirius, what do you need a posse for?**

S Can't talk now, Evans. I'll have my people call your people later.

**L I don't have people!**

S You don't? How strange... and sad for you!

**J Sirius, not everyone has a posse!**

S How very sad for everyone...

_C Is he serious?_

R I'm afraid so

_C He actually thinks he needs a posse?_

**J Yep**

_C Lovely..._

S What are you writing there, Patty?

_C What__ I write in your folder is MY business, Mr Posse._

S That's Black, B-l-a-c-k... _Black!_

_C I know your last name!_

S So why call me Mr Posse?

_C Because you have one!_

S So? Moony has a large butt, do you call him Mr Arse? Or Mr Gas?

_C No-_

R WHAT? I DO NOT!

S Sorry, although you shouted RIGHT IN MY EAR!!!! I didn't understand you, Mr Arse

R I am NOT Mr Arse!

S Fine, new example. Lily has THE biggest-

**J Padfoot...**

S Erm... eyes?

**J That's what I thought you were going to say...**

**L Awww thanks, Sirius!**

S Don't mention it...

R I fail to see how I went from Moony to Mr Arse!

S That's because your huge butt is blocking your view. Lily could help, she has huge...

**J PADFOOT!**

S Eyes!

**J Thats right**

S Yes...

**L Am I missing something here?**

**J No**

S No

(G1 & 2) Yes!

S Posse, shush!

(G1 & 2) Sorry Sirius

_C Can we continue please?_

S Patty, we all know you're going to try and control this class for half an hour while we goof because we fail to see just how much these counseling sessions could help our mental health. You keep saying, '_Can we continue please?'_ But we all know how this is going to end. Half an hour wasted from all of our lives and another detention from Minnie for taking advantage of our counselor.

_C I..._

S What are your thoughts, Mr Arse?

R I shall NOT answer to that name!

S Why? You should embrace the arse... if you can!

R I DON'T HAVE A HUGE ARSE!

S Your arse is as huge as Lily's-

**J SIRIUS!**

S Eyes?

**J That's what I thought you were going to say...**

**L Okay I'm really confused...**

(G1) Sirius thinks you have GIANT-

S EYES!

**J Yes, giant eyes.**

(G2) No! Not eyes, b-

S BUTTONS! Giant buttons... just look at them! I mean... woah! Whoever made those buttons intended them to fasten Moony's belt.

R Oi!

(G1) No! Not buttons, br-

**J BREAD! He told me last week you have giant... bread...**

**L Bread?**

S Don't act like you haven't noticed people staring at you at the lunch table as you pack down those giant loafs of bread! You're an animal!!

(G1) No, not-

R Actually... Sirius is right Lily, you do eat a lot of bread!

**L It's just a phase!**

S Thats what Moony said about his arse... but there it is! Following him around... attacking people when he turns around a corner in the hallway... staring...

R HOW CAN AN ARSE STARE AT YOU?

S Not just any arse! Your arse! It's sick I tell you! Twisted!

R You're so mean

S Don't worry, you're angry now... but you're arse will soon eat all your feelings... it has to! It already ate everything else!

R THATS IT! Lily, last week James asked Sirius if getting you a bra for your anniversary was a suitable gift and-

S MOONY! DON'T!

**J SHUT UP MOONY!**

_C What is go-_

S SHUT THE HELL UP PATTY!

**L I'm so confus-**

S SHUT! UP! LILY!!!

**J Padfoot!**

S Oops, sorry... forgot who I was talking to...

R AND SIRIUS SAID EVEN THE POTTER FAMILY DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH GALLEONS IN GRINGOTTS TO BUY A BRA THAT WOULD FIT LILY'S CHEST!

**L WHAT?**

_C WHAT?_

S MOONY!

**J YOU TOLD!**

S WE HAD A DEAL, MR ARSE!

R Then Sirius said that James should try asking the giant squid to fish up a few giant clams and tie them together with string instead...

**L Oh...**

S Lily, I am so-

_C Sirius Black! Yo__u-_

**J MOONY YOU SWORE YOU WOULDN'T TELL!**

(G1 & 2) Yeah Moony!

S THAT'S IT! AMANDA, LAUREN, YOU'RE FIRED!

(G1) Why?!

S You almost told like... 10 times!

(G2) That's fine, your arse is getting too big anyway!

(G1) Yeah, you should watch what you eat, you're arse is starting to become in proportion with your giant nose!

(G1 & 2) _Giggling..._

**J Ouch...**

R Mega ouch...

**L Major ouch!**

_C ...I've seen worse_

**J Padfoot, is your self esteem okay-?**

S OUCH! MY SELF CONFIDENCE! I FEEL IT SHATTERING!! I FEEL EVERYTHING!

R Serves you right! Mr Arse!

**L Despite what was said last week... I'm surprisingly not offended!**

**J You're not?**

**L No! In fact, I'm flattered... Petunia always called me flat-chested...**

S That's more than I needed to know... OHHH IT BURNS!!

**J Well, in light of recent events... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY LILY!**

**L Oh James! You got me a present! Thank you!**

R It's not two clams tied together with strings, is it? Because Sirius was kidding, a present like that may seriously harm Lily!

**L James isn't that stupid! Who listens to Sirius anyway?**

**J N....o. Lily, I need that present back.**

**L Why? I haven't opened it yet!**

**J Because inside that box is two clams tied together with string.**

S HAHAHAH! I KNEW IT! OUCH!

**L Very funny, James you're such a joker...**

**J Yeah, joker... but seriously I need that present back now!**

_C Thats it! Get out! I'll see you all next week! I'll chain you to your seats if I have to! YOU WILL BE COUNSELED!!_

S Owww... Why does everything Patty say sound like a threat?

_C BECAUSE THEY ARE THREATS!_

S Cmon, Mr Arse... lets go pick up some desperate witches who can stand the sight of my giant nose... and your giant buttocks...

R I can't wait until the fifth book when you die...

S What?

R Nothing...

**L James it's not funny anymore!**

**J LILY GIVE ME THE PRESENT!**

**L NO!**

**J LILY I'M NOT KIDDING!**

**L LET ME OPEN IT!**

**J Don't make me tackle you Lily... I don't want to tackle you...**

**L Oh please, you wouldn't tackle m- ARGHH!!  
**

.

.

.

_SN Can I leave now?_

* * *

**I warned you... god knows I tried...**

**Love always, **

**Emmi-Chick  
**


	9. Mr Arse Fights Back!

**As promised!**

**Did I do good, guys?**

**I thought I was pretty quick with this one! :)**

_

* * *

C Right! Everyone comfortable?_

**L Yes...**

_SN Yes_

**J I guess**

R As comfortable as possible when you're tied to a chair!

_C It's not so bad! And it's necessary._

S Erm... I can't feel the left side of my body!

_C Well yours had to be extra tight, Mr Black! I've had enough of your behavior_

S How is this counseling? I feel like a two year old!

_C Finally, your emotions reflect your attitude_

S I resent that! Can you just untie me the slightest tiny miniscule-

_C NO! Now, on with the session!_

**J Wait!**

_C Erm... yes Mr Potter?_

**J Why do I have to be next to Snivellus?**

_C You're not in any specific order!_

S I know why mate!

**J Why?**

S I saw Snivellus slip Patty a galleon so he could sit next to you before the session started... how desperate can you get?

R Hehehe

**J Ha! I knew it!**

**L Sirius, thats mean!**

S I'm just telling you what I saw! And heard.... 'Miss Pattykins! Please, oh please... put me next to James! I'll make it worth your while... eh? Eh?'

**J HA!**

R Hehe

_SN You're such a liar, Black! _

S Just telling you what I saw!

**J Good work, Padfoot!**

_C If you're all done with your childishness, I'd like to move on now._

S YOU'RE LEAVING ME?

_C What? No I-_

S OH PRONGS! DID YOU HEAR? SHE'S MOVING ON FROM ME! I... I...

**J Ohhhh ouch... sorry mate! Time will heal all!**

_SN Shut up will you?!_

S BE QUIET SNIVELLUS! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE LEFT! Or... do you?

**J Why even ask that?**

S I dunno, seems pretty pointless...

R We already know the answer!

**L Guys, you're so mean!**

S Well Snivellus may as well hear it from us now than from meaner people later! I mean, who else is gonna tell him these things, Evans?

**J Yeah, Lils. We're all he has**

S More like we're all he'll ever have! _EVER_!

**L Guys, that's enough!**

_C I quite agree!_

S Gees Lily, whats up your butt?

**L Can't you guys see! The more you muck around in sessions, the more sessions we have!**

S I can't see anything back here, I got stuck next to Mr Arse!

R I DO NOT HAVE A HUGE ARSE!

S Sure Moony, where'd your nickname come from then?

R You made Mr Arse up!

S No I mean Moony!

**J Padfoot, shush!**

S Well I'm just saying, a name like Moony! I mean, you'd either have to have a GIANT BUTT! Or be a werewolf or something crazy like that.

**J ...**

**L ...**

_C ..._

R Erm...

S Well, which one is it, Moooooony?

R I have... a giant butt...

S What? I can't hear you!

R I HAVE A GIANT BUTT!

S Who has a giant butt?

R MR ARSE DOES!

S I haven't met him, who is he?

R I am...

S What?

R I AM!

S You're what?

R MR ARSE!

**J Padfoot! Enough, mate! Back off a little!**

S You CANNOT tell me that wasn't the funniest thing since Snape on fire!

**J Yeah but it's Moony!**

S Hehe... Moony, such a kidder

**J I dunno, he looks kind of angry**

S Moony! What's with the face? You look like Minnie!

**J If you look REALLY close, you can see steam coming from his ears...**

S His face is officially red. Nice team spirit Moony, GO GO GRYFFINDOR!

**J I've never seen him this mad!**

R I... hate... you... Sirius...

S Oh hush, he's been madder...

**L You don't look convinced there, Sirius**

S Trust me! He's been madder than this!

**J Like the time you burned his Ancient Runes text book and he failed the test!**

S Um... yeah!

**J And that time you stuffed his underwear down the crevices of all the Gryffindor tower couches!**

S Yeah... not helping there, mate

**J Oh! And that time you made farting noises behind him every time he coughed! AND he was sitting next to Pamela Wilson! She seriously thought he was... ohh... hahaha  
**

_SN That was funny! When she slapped him..._

**J Yeah...**

S Okay we get the point!

R Sirius...

**J Oh wait! What about that time you wrote the words 'MOONY IS HORMONAL. HE ASKS YOU LEAVE HIM BE!' on a banner, attached it to your broomstick and flew around the school! THAT was hysterical.**

_SN Yeah and the Slytherins stuffed... erm... 'lady products' down his pants after potions that day!_

**L That wasn't funny! Poor Moony...**

**J I didn't say it was funny, I said it was hysterical!**

S James shush!

R Sirius... so... dead...

_C Oh dear... see? This is why I restrained you all!_

**J I dunno if those ropes will hold much longer... Moony's putting up a fair fight!**

S Uh oh...

_C Mr Lupin! Control yourself!_

S Yeah Moony! Don't you want to be counseled? Those ropes are there to help you! Don't fight the- ARGH!

**J Woah...**

**L REMUS!**

_SN HAHAHAH!_

_C MR LUPIN! GET OFF HIM!_

S AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

_SN You scream like a girl, Black!_

R WHOSE HORMONAL NOW? WHO??

S I- am...?

R WHAT? WHO?

S I AM!

R I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

S I AAAAM!!!

**J Well... I'm never pissing off Moony again!**

**L Neither...**

_SN All this time I was afraid of James and Sirius..._

**J WHAT?**

S WHAT? Ouch!

**J HAHAAHAHHA!!**

S BAHAHAAHA! HE'S AFRAID OF US!

_C Stupefy!_

R Ah!

S THANKYOU Patty! Bit late though!

**J My nose is itchy...**

S Your nose is always itchy

**J No, I normally have a hand free to scratch it! Pat, can you scratch it please?  
**

_C Fine..._

**J Ah. Thankyou!**

_C Great! Now can we start?_

S, **J, L, **R, _SN **Go ahead!**_

_C I- really?_

**J Go for it!**

_C You... you don't have any questions or interruptions?_

S Nahh, I lost my urge to be mischievous...

**J Really?**

_C Oh thank goodness!_

S Wait... it's rising...

_C What?!_

S RISING!

_C Control yourself!_

S Fading...

_C ..._

S Fading...

**L Woah he has problems...**

S Gone!

_C Um... okay well first off... oh no_

R What is it?

_C We... I... we're out of time..._

**J YES!**

S SWEET!

_SN FINALLY!_

**L Woah!**

_C I'LL SEE YOU ALL NEXT WEEK! Bunch of no good..._

**J Where'd she go?**

R She just... left!

S But, we're still tied up!

**L COUNSELOR! COME BACK! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!**

_SN COUNSELOR! PLEASE!_

**J My nose is itchy!!**

S Urge to be mischievous... RISING!

R Oh god! PLEASE MISS ROSSE! COME BACK!

S RISING!

**J Padfoot control it!**

S Fading...

_SN Phew._

S RISING!

**L SHUT UP SIRIUS!**

S RISING!

**J Someone scratch my nose!**

S AT MAXIMUM LEVEL!!

**J RUN!**

R OH GOD N-

* * *

**Phew...**

**I wonder what Sirius does when his mischievous level reaches it's maximum height...**

**Reviews would be lovely!**

**Emmi-Chick**

**P.S: If you would like to hear how Sirius sounded when Remus tackled him... .com/watch?v=hyYGLTtdCh8**

**:)  
**


	10. The Jonas Brothers?

**Enjoy!**

**R&R!**

**Emmi-Chick**

* * *

S Happy Halloween!

**J It's not Halloween, Padfoot**

S Well why am I dressed like a Jonas Brother then?

R It was a dare... remember?

_C Good morning! I- ...what the heck are you boys doing?_

R We're dressed like Jonas Brothers...

_C Who are the Jonas Brothers?_

_**SOMEWHERE, A JONAS BROTHERS FAN SQUEALS AND DIES**_

S Gasp!

**J How embarrassing... Pat doesn't know who the Jonas Brothers are!**

_C Right... well take off those costumes, we have work to do today!_

**J Good one Pat... work...**

_C I'm serious_

S No, I'm Sirius

R OHH!

**J PADFOOT, ENOUGH!**

S Sorry...

_C Didn't you hear me? Take off those costumes!_

R Erm... we can't

_C You can and you will!_

R No really... we all drank a potion that would disguise us... poorly... as the Jonas Brothers. It won't wear off for another 48 hours.

_C So... I'm counseling the Jonas Brothers?_

**J No! We're still us. We're just... different.**

S And American!

R And we sing...

_C Right..._

**J So that I don't get confused... can you call us by our Jonas names?**

_C No!_

S That would help me too.

R It would be a little easier!

_C Fine. What are your Jonas names then?_

S I'm Joe

**J I'm Nick**

R And I'm Kevin

**J I wanted to be Joe, but no...**

S Don't be jealous, Joe has the best hair!

_C ..._

R ...

**J ...**

S What? He does...

_C So what was the dare?_

**J We had to name three Jonas Brothers songs-**

S Under veritisirum-

R So that we couldn't lie and say we didn't know any Jonas Brothers songs...

**J If we could name three- we lost**

_C And you named three?_

S Yeah, well the only reason I could name three was because I read about the Jonas Brothers in a magazine I found under Moony's pillow

R That's a lie!

S Nope, I swear on my abnormally large eyebrows that it's true

R Whatever...

S Which song's your favorite, Moony? Mine's Burnin' Up... Burnin' Up... for you Moony...

R SHUT UP!

**J Sirius-**

S Sorry, what's my name?

**J ...Joe?**

S Yes, Nick?

**J It is completely uncalled for to serenade Moony with a Jonas Brothers song without warning everyone else in the room first  
**

S Sorry, I'll warn you next time

**J Thanks**

S Don't mention it

R ...

_C ...anyway-_

S OOOOH! This is an S.O.S! Don't wanna second guess! This-

**J SIRIUS!**

R PADFOOT!

_C Mr Black, please-_

S I'm sorry, I don't know who you're referring to

**J Joe?**

S Yes Nick?

**J You're a moron**

S So is your face

R What did I tell you about using that line!?

S That it's not funny?

R Exactly. Want to know why?

S Yeah?

R Because it really isn't funny

S Thanks for that

R You're welcome

_C Anyway-_

S I'M HOT! YOU'RE COLD! YOU GO AROUND, LIKE YOU KNOW! WHO I A-

**J I'M GOING TO KILL YOU-- I REALLY AM**

R THATS ENOUGH!

_C Really, Mr Black, theres no need for it!_

S You just don't understand my talent. I'm going for a solo career!

**J JOE! HOW COULD YOU?**

_C ..._

S ...

R Where the hell did that come from, Prongs?

**J I don't know... it sort of slipped out...**

S Oh my GOD! I figured it out!

R Why I'm friends with guys like you?

S No not yet, ask me again tomorrow. But I figured out why Nick just said that!

**J Why?**

S You said it because... THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE TAKING OVER OUR MINDS!

_C ..._

R James, please tell him how ridiculous he's-

**J OH MY GOD! YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!**

R WHAT?

S I am?

**J YES!**

S Well in that case-

R OUCH! WHY DID YOU HIT ME?

S It was Joe, I can't control him

R Yeah right! I seriously think you should- OH! THAT ONE HURT!

S Joe again

R But- AH! STOP IT!

S ...Joe

R IT'S YOU!

S No it's not, it's Joe, he's wild I tell you!

**J Fight him off Sirius!**

S ...

**J I mean... Joe?**

_C Boys! That's enough! Who the hell are the Jonas Brothers?!_

_**SOMEWHERE, ANOTHER JONAS FAN SCREAMS AND DIES**_

R The Jonas Brothers are a very successful, some would say extremely talented-

S Yeah, like you

R Ignoring you!!! Anyway, they're a band of real brothers, Kevin, Nick and Joe and they write music together

_C I see... and these two think the Jonas Brothers are taking over their minds?_

R Yeah

_C Alright then_

S I... can't fight... anymore... giving in...

**J DON'T GIVE IN!**

S Ugh...

**J SIRIUS!**

S I'm not Sirius anymore... I'm Joe Jonas!

**J Hello! I'm James!**

S Whats up?

**J The ceiling? What?**

S I mean, how are you?

**J I'm fine but- OH NO! NICK IS TAKING OVER MY MIND!**

_C For heavens sake boys! Sit down! You are not Jonas Brothers!_

**J Hey, I'm Nick Jonas**

S Oh hey Nick, whats up?

**J Not much, Joe. Say, how'd we get here?**

S Not sure, just roll with it

R This is ridiculous!

**J Whats ridiculous?**

R If you're Nick, and you're Joe, why aren't I Kevin yet?

**J But... you are Kevin**

R What?

S You've been Kevin this entire time

R I... think you're a little confused, Sirius-

S My name is Joe, and you're my older brother Kevin, and Nick here is our little brother. We're one big happy family

R Sirius, you're creeping me out now

S Sirius isn't here anymore, but don't worry, Joe is here now

R Sirius why are you talking in an American accent?

**J His name is Joe**

R Seriously, cut it out! It's creepy!

S Wanna hear me rap?

R Oh god no! Counselor, can't you do anything?

_C I've never seen anyone as emotionally unstable as these two boys here..._

**N Let's sing a song!**

R Why is your **J** an **N**?

J What are you talking about, Kevin?

**N Yeah Kevin, yours has changed too!**

K Stop talking like- HOLY CRAP IT'S A 'K'!

**N When you look me in the eyes!**

J And tell me that you love me!

**N Everythings alright!**

J When you're right here by my side

**N When you-**

K SHUT UP!

J Woah... chill Kevin!

**N Yeah Kevin, chill!**

_C Boys, thats enough. You're scaring me!_

**N Called you for the first time yesterday...**

J Finally found the missing part of me... Cmon Kevin! Sing along!

K NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**N Hey Joe, wouldn't this be funny- and piss a lot of people off, if all this were just a dream... just a dream... just a dream...**

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

J Yeah... that would piss a lot of people off. Good thing it's not a dream, though.

**N Or is it...?**

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

_C MR LUPIN! FALLING ASLEEP IN MY SESSIONS IS EXTREMELY RUDE!_

R Huh?! What?!

**J Yeah Moony, have some respect!**

S Disgusting behavior...

R But- but you were Jonas Brothers! I was a Jonas Brother!

**J Erm...**

S Okay...

_C ..._

R It- it was just a d-dream?

**J Yeah, a rude dream! Right in the middle of the session!**

S Good one, Prongs!

**J Thanks**

S Hey Padfoot, how many Jonas Brothers songs can you name?

**J Pft... none!**

S Yeah right! Say that again after taking veritisirum!

**J No way!**

S Yes way, I dare you. If you lose, you have to dress up as Nick Jonas for two days!

**J I wanna be Joe!**

S Too bad, I'll be Joe if I lose, which I won't

**J You're on! But I'm Joe...**

S No you're not!

R NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

S Calm down, Kevin!

R W-what did you c-call me?

**J Nothing...  
**

S Hehehehehe

* * *

**I'm really sorry about the randomness!**

**I keep thinking people are going to draw the line at the randomness every chapter, but you guys seem to love it!**

**This'll probably draw a line though...**

**Hate it? Love it? Weirded out?**

**Comment! :)**

**P.S This is, in no way, written to make fun of the Jonas Brothers... incase it wasn't obvious by this chapter, I'm actually a fan! ;)  
**


	11. Opposite Day vs Snivellus

**J Wheres Pat?**

S No idea

L Neither

_SN You probably scared her away with your odor.._

**J ...**

S ...

_SN Because... because you stink..._

_..._

_..._

_...  
_

S I think I just died a little

**J Wow, that's really sad... if I had a green needle, I'd inject it straight into your chest, Snivellus**

S Yeah, seriously... seriously, I just died a little

R You guys get more depressing every session

_SN You wouldn't know funny if it-_

S For the sake of all things funny, don't finish that sure-to-kill-a-small-part-of-me sentence

**J So what are we going to get up to today, Padfoot?**

S I was thinking-

_SN Ha! That means you're not thinking!_

**J OH JESUS! Can someone _please_ put that thing out of it's misery?**

_SN It's funny if you get the joke_

S I cannot sit next to you if you're going to keep killing small parts of me like this

**J No, you know what Snivellus? Enlighten us, whats the joke?**

_SN Well maybe I don't want to tell you now_

S TELL ME OR A PILE OF SMOKING ASH WILL REPLACE YOU'RE PATHETIC PHYSICAL ATTACHMENT TO THAT CHAIR!

R Jesus Padfoot!

_SN I'll never tell-_

_-Click-_

**J Was... was that a _gun _clicking?**

S ...No

**J Yes it was! You just loaded a gun!**

S It was a bird

R Oh come on!

**J It was not a bird!**

S No seriously, it was a bird

**J From what planet?!**

S Siritania

**J Give me the gun, Sirius**

S Fine... just don't aim it at the bird, they're endangered here

R I can't imagine why...

S Is that a crack at the national bird of Siritania?

R No, not at all...

**J Thank you. Now Snivellus, I'll shoot you myself if you don't tell us whats so _hilarious_**

R Wait a moment. We're wizards! We don't need a gu-

S SPILL IT GREASE-BALL!

_SN I overheard some Ravenclaw fifth years talking about Opposite Day!_

**J, S, R Opposite Day?**

_SN Yes... everything you say is opposite! You said you were thinking... which means you weren't, which is funny!_

...

...

...

S Another piece of me just died

**J That is so unfunny**

S This is so embarrassing!

R I know... opposite day, what a silly muggle thing to celebrate

S No! It's embarrassing that we've I've never heard of this before now!

R What?

**J Of course! It's so simple!**

R Simples right...

S If you were making a joke about my intelligence, it just backfired. It's opposite day!

R In that case, you're the most dimwitted, annoying little bed-wetter I've ever had the inconvenience to meet

S Yeah... because I never wet the bed! It's opposite day... heh... so that means im the most witty, awesome non-bedwetter you've ever had the convenience to meet!

_SN I knew it_

_-Click-_

S James!

**J It was a bird! I s-**

_C Good morning! Sorry I'm late_

S How polite of you, Patty!

_C I...kay?_

R Sirius...

S What?

R Don't over-do it

S Oh... I'm not planning to over-do Opposite Day, Moony!

R Good. Wait...

S I'm so excited for todays lesson Patty! What are we learning?

_C Today, we're learning how to control our anger!_

**J Oh yay! I've never been so excited in my life!**

S I'm so excited I just want to _not_ kill myself!

R That would be over-doing it

_C Alright, whats going on?_

S Do you really want to know?

_C Yes_

S Okay I'll tell you

...

...

...

_C Well?_

S Well what?

_C Tell me!_

S Okay I will

...

...

...

_C Mr Lupin, whats going on?_

R It's Opposite Day...

_C Whats Opposite Day?_

R Everything you say is the opposite

_C I see... Mr Black, I would like you to not pay attention today and muck about all class!_

S YES! Did you get that on tape?

**J Whats a tape?-**

S WOOH!

R Sirius, it's Opposite day...

S I- Oh...

_C Right. Mr Black, don't look at Mr Snape and don't think about how much you hate him_

S Okay, I won't

...

...

...

S I like him so much! I want to not kick him in the-

_C Okay.. now _don'_t harness that negative energy and _don't_ compliment Mr Snape_

S WHAT? I AM GOING TO COMPLIMENT MR SNAPE! NOTHING WOULD PLEASE ME MORE!

_C No need to be polite!_

**J Woah, they're really bad at this Opposite Day thing!**

R Do you mean they're good or bad?

**J Bad!**

R So... good?

**J Moony... whats the opposite of bad?**

R Good?

**J No**

R Yes it- wait... ohhh I get it!

**J I give up. I hate opposite day!**

S Snivellus, you-

_C Don't call him Severus!  
_

S Severus... you sometimes smell bad

_C Good! Good for a first try  
_

S Thanks a lot!

**J No need to be mean Pat...**

_C I mean... bad try?_

S We're over it! Get with the times Patty

_C Right, your turn Mr Potter, look at Mr Snape and compliment him._

**J No _way_**

S I did it, it's your turn Prongs

**J There is no way I'm-**

_C McGonagall gave me permission to confiscate your broomstick if you don't cooperate Mr P-_

**J SNIVELLUS IS SOMETIMES NOT CREEPY LOOKING**

_C Erm... okay, good! But call him by his first name, Potter!_

**J SNAPE IS SOMET-**

_C I said his _first _name!_

**J I said his first name!**

_C Snape is his last name_

**J WHAT? Not it's not! His name is Snivellus Snape**

_C It's Severus Snape!_

**J What the HELL kind of name is _Severus_?**

_SN My name, Potter!_

**J Oh it is _not_!**

R It is, James...

S What a liar

R I am not a liar!

S What kind of heartless mother would name their brand new baby boy '_Severus_' it's just so... so...

**J & S Ugly!**

S Too right, Prongs!

_C Boys, apologize this instant!_

**J What did we do?**

S I'm innocent I tell you, INNOCEEEENT!

R Dramatic much?

S You're just jealous

R I am not!

S I'll bet you ten sickles you're jealous

R You're such an-

_C POTTER, BLACK! APOLOGIZE!_

**J I thought we'd been over this-**

S What did we do?!

_C YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID! Now, Potter, call Mr Snape by his _real _name and mean your compliment!_

**J -sigh- _Severus _I think that sometimes, you don't look creepy**

_C Was that so hard?_

_SN How was that a compliment?_

_C Mr Potter is making and effort and thats what counts_

**J Yeah Snivellus! I'm making an effort, you don't have to go and hurt my feelings like that!**

S Awww James, don't cry mate! How heartless can you get, Snivellus?

R Get off me, James! You're not crying!

**J I HATE MY LIFE!**

S WHAT THE _HELL_ IS YOUR _DEAL_ SNIVELLUS?

_SN Shut up, Black! He's faking!_

**J Oh... the humanity!**

_C Potter, just get out. You four have successfully wasted another session. I will see you all next week!_

_SN You three owe me eleven Saturdays!_

R Can I write you a cheque?

**J DON'T PAY HIM!**

S WHAT THE HELL MOONY?

_-Click-_

**J Um... who has the gun?**


End file.
